


Illogical Eastin

by hurinhouse



Category: White Collar
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-18 11:16:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3567623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurinhouse/pseuds/hurinhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An assortment of WTH?s</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illogical Eastin

**Free Fall:**

"Hello, Kate."

"Hello, Peter."

"We need to talk about Neal."

"I guess we do."

"Well here I am. Let's talk about me."

"Neal?"

"Hey Kate. I figured if Peter could get a meeting with you, and he knows I've been desperately searching for you as though my life depends on it, it'd make sense for him to bring me along instead of me crashing Fowler's party to find you."

 

* * * * *

 

**Judgment Day:**

Neal's at his desk when Peter gets back to the office. What on earth? 

"Neal?"

"Oh hey, Peter. Here. Got you some coffee and Pepto Bismo."

Peter pulls him aside, into the back hall where no one can see them. "What are you doing here?"

"Up until two seconds ago I thought I worked here. Or is Mozzie right and the government has invented another day off? Which I'm totally fine with, by the way. The Cloisters has a fantastic display of medieval Chinese artifacts and -"

"Didn't you pay attention to me on the steps? I've been buying you time in there with my statement."

"For?"

"To run, Neal."

"Oh, is that what that look was?"

"Yes, I shook my head, didn't you see me?"

"Uh... no. You were like 50 yards away up a shadowed set of steps and I was in the bright sun with cars and people passing back and forth in front of me."

"This is not good, Neal."

"Peter, I don't have a movie camera in my back pocket for close-ups."

"Well did you at least see the thunderous look on my face?"

"I could tell you were staring, in my direction. I thought maybe you had indigestion or needed some caffeine. So I stopped by the drug store _and_ Starbucks."

Peter grabs the pink stuff, "Well I can use this now."

"Wait, you told me to run?"

 

* * * * *

 

**Au Revoir:**

Moz finally looks, really looks, and he can't deny it anymore. He breaks down over Neal's body. Peter rests a hand on his back, trying to support him. Seems like he's crying forever. 

Then he jerks back.

"Neal?"

"Mozzie, he's dead."

"No, I felt him breathe."

"Moz-"

"Here, feel."

Moz places Peter's hand right on Neal's chest. Peter feels like a pervert but- 

There. He feels it, too. Oh my God. What kind of doctors do they have in this hospital?

Moz runs out of the morgue, yelling through the hospital - "He's alive! We need a doctor!" 

Peter smiles. Now everyone will be safe.

 

 

* * * * *

 

 

**Most Wanted, Forging Bonds**

 

"Hey, Tom Cruise, how are the Cocktails coming?"

"I'm getting there, Gimpy. How's the leg?"

"I'll live."

"Good. So, between bartending practice I've been talking with Maya."

"That's... nice?"

"You told her you arrived in New York City when you were eighteen, Neal."

"So?"

"You told me, during our all-night discussion about Adler in 2011, that you'd arrived eight years earlier, meaning 2003, which would have put you at 26, going by the FBI's assumption that you were born in 1977, an assumption you've never contradicted."

" Hmmm."

"So which is it, Neal? Were you born in 1977 or 1983? 'Cause I've gotta tell you, most people who meet you assume you're a lot younger than you claim to be."

"Suit, he refuses to answer on the grounds that it'll endanger his WitSec confidentiality."

"Moz. He's not in WitSec anymore."

"And that's exactly what they _want_ you to believe."

"Peter those drinks aren't going to fix themselves."

 

* * * * *

 

**Every Episode**

 

"It's simple brainwashing, Neal. I've told you these government drones can't be trusted to think for themselves. You're lucky I trust _you_."

"You trust me?"

"Less so now than when you didn't have a leash."

"Thanks, Moz. But how do you explain their behavior from the beginning then? You know, the everyday ups and downs from the time I got out?" 

"Who knows with what kind of convoluted strategy the government weaves the actions of their automated drudges? Could be they needed you and the Suit to be best buds some times, not others, according to whatever corrupt project was going on at the time."

"That doesn't explain Elizabeth."

"True. But it's not like the Burkes live off the grid. It'd be child's play for The Man to secretly infiltrate their house."

"I thought you checked it for surveillance equipment on a regular basis."

"Just the most primitive stuff. I only did a thorough sweep once, when Fowler bugged the phones."

"Seriously?"

"There's only so much I can do without them knowing, Neal. But if they're being influenced by radio waves or ultrasonic pulses, I'd have detected it at some point."

"Hmmmm."

"Drugs! Of course."

"Moz, they don't take drugs."

"Not willingly. But their walls are probably painted with it, the fumes on a time-release. Excellent strategy. We're all doomed!"

"Chill, Moz. Satchmo's never treated me differently."

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you're trying to use a canine to disprove my ingenious theory. Let's brainstorm. Back to the beginning. How about the first time you met Mrs. Suit?"

"She was wonderful, just as she was the following two or three years. She offered me coffee and bagels, sat with me on the sofa while Peter railed on about me being out of my radius."

"When was the first time you noticed a difference?"

"That's hard to say. For Peter; it's always been back and forth."

"That's a drone for you. But let's focus on Elizabeth."

"She seemed to do a 180 when Peter was in the car accident."

"So she'd consistently been Miss Glass-Half-Full before then, defended you to the Suit over and over. She even promised that they'd both always be there for you, right before the boxing match; then a month later she reneges at the hospital."

"In her defense, her husband was almost killed because his brakes were rigged by someone who also wanted to kill my father."

"Okay, I'll grant you that's a scary moment, not only due to the convenient paternal parallels, no doubt subliminally being implanted in your psyche- "

"Moz, focus!"

"- but consider all she overlooked before that. Because of you, Fowler caused El to be arrested." 

"And Peter to be suspended."

"The Suit also lost his badge when Larsen planted his prints, all an elaborate plot to get to you."

"Almost blown up on a Nazi sub by a man from my past."

"Not to mention the fact that he had to kill that man to save you."

"And he got sent to The Cave for coming after me in Cape Verde."

"Let's not forget the coup de grace - both Burkes were kidnapped by the same psychopathic killer."

"On separate occasions."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"They were fine with all that and you were still their beloved stray pet."

"Until Peter got in a car accident."

"That's when it all started."

"For Elizabeth. Peter was fine till I got him out of jail."

"Don't even get me started on what an ingrate he is! The way he acted after you- "

"Okay, Moz. I agree, believe me. But it's not as out of character as Elizabeth's about-face, which is what we're focused on, right?"

"I'm telling you, Neal. There's drugs in the walls."

"So, going by your theory, now what?"

"Well, I'd say we send them on vacation and repaint while they're gone, but I can't be sure that will block it. For example, nicotine seeps out of walls no matter what you put on them."

"Short of them moving I don't see a solution."

"That _is_ the solution! Brilliant, Mon Frere!"

"Care to share?"

"We'll make their current house so distasteful that they'll be begging to get out of there."

"How?"

"Termites maybe. Radon could work."

"How about if we just rig a contest and they win a different house, the house of their dreams?"

"Not as fun, but it could work. In fact, that's even better! We could infuse our own cerebral impulses into the drywall! The Suit would never threaten to send you back again."

"Moz, let's just stick to fixing my current problem instead of creating another one."

"Your loss, Neal. El thinks _I'm_ delightful."

"You slipped subliminal messages into her laptop again, didn't you?" 

"Hey, you said I can't _take_ anything. So I'm a giver."

"Bill Gates has nothing on you, Moz."


End file.
